Life is hard and I try to do these things to make me feel better. If you feel okay you do nothing, to try and stay feeling okay. And okay is great because being okay means you’re not bad. And being bad is not good. I do these things because it helps me to live, you know. It’s like modern day hunter gathering, we have Tesco now so we need to do other things to survive. I think it’s like being really thirsty but there’s only fizzy water, it’s shit but you carry on drinking because you’re really thirsty, you know. I go between thinking what I do is shit and thinking that it is great. Maybe I’ve desensitised myself. I guess one day I’ll like fizzy water.
Well usually it’s more feelings that go into it, rather than thought, you know like most things. When I, and you I guess, feels something it’s important. You can’t grab it or argue with it, you can try and get rid of it though. Like one of the main feelings I feel is feeling sick. When you want to stop feeling sick you’re sick or when you want to stop feeling like crying you cry or when you want to stop feeling like you want to cum you cum. That’s what it is, it’s vomiting, sometimes huge amounts violently and sometimes just a little bit quietly, like a dribble. But then the sick makes me feel sick because I’m frightened of those things, of what comes out of me. So I carry on feeling and carry on vomiting and on and on and on forever, you know.
I think that the best thing I can do is get under people’s skin, make them remember me, make them feel things. People aren’t stupid. Well most aren’t and most know when you’ve faked it. They respond to things. Like sadness, joy, hope, despair, power, laughter, anger, love, death. What I do is just another thing in the world but it makes me feel, you know.
It’s like you know when you’re in love or when you’re worried – well it’s the same thing, you know, being in love and being worried. What I do, it’s like that, that feeling is what it is. You’re so worried about not being in love again you spend all your time worrying and making sure it’s all okay rather than just being in love. In the end you can’t remember if you’re in love or just worried, you end up feeling sick of it all, lovesick you know and then vomiting in the form of a break up. But then the difference between love and what I do is I don’t vomit and get rid of it all, I vomit and then keep it all and see. I want to fight against the overriding sense that it’s all shit. I guess it’s like going to dinner with all your exes at once, you know. Half of what I do is trying to trick myself to not go along with myself, to not trust myself because sometimes one of the things I did once pops back up and it’s alright
I like stuff that makes me happy or laugh, you know. I want the things I do to be stupid, not stupid in a bad way, not in a way that doesn’t make sense or doesn’t add up on paper, not 2+2=7 stupid, you know. Just stupid in a new way, that makes me carry on feeling and carry on living and carry on being okay. That’s what I mean by stupid, that’s what I want to do. But then what I do is whatever I just did, you know.